Today I’m going to share my personal journey and thoughts concerning marriage.
First, I must testify to the positive faithful picture that my parents are since they have been married for over 40 years! Thankfully, my parents have never pressured me to “settle down with a wife and have some kids.” But I must confess that marriage has never been a strong goal, desire, or drive within me. Though I remain open to the option of marriage, let’s face it…that would take a miracle!
I’ve seen friend after friend get married, so I’m familiar with the sting of losing close friendships to it. I know what it’s like to be pushed to the outside, feeling like I possess no power to penetrate this mysterious realm of what it means to be involved in married people’s lives. I’ve also heard the question many times: When are you going to get married? If you know any of my story, you understand why this isn’t a simple question to answer. I always cringe on the inside when I hear that question. Why? Eventhough my life isn’t centered around earthly marriage, I can feel the idolatrous box that our culture has made marriage to be trying to suffocate me. And simply, I don’t want to be treated as if I have a disease because I’m not married. Because I do believe that ones like Jesus and Paul may never marry- and that is OK and good.
I must admit that I’ve struggled with unbelief that someone like ME(because of my same-sex attraction) could ever get married(to the opposite gender). I allowed the pain and rejection that I’ve felt from those married harden my heart to further resist the idea of marriage. I concluded that I wanted no part with that. Add to that the difficult work to establish deep community and friendships where I feel known and understood…the result: hopelessness.
Thankfully, His hand is outstretched, ready to pull us out of the miry clay. I found that my hope must be in the truth of the eternal marriage to come. Many times, that has been all I’ve barely been able to hold on to. God has also given me personal tangible glimpses of that reality along the way.
-In 2008, for a month I experienced a crush, butterflies in the stomach, puppy love, etc FOR A GIRL! That’s huge because I’ve never experienced that before nor after.
-Recently I’ve met more and more men who though they still are exclusively same-sex attracted, are also married. Though they aren’t attracted to women, they ARE attracted to the ONE woman that matters, their wife. Seeing their love for one another and for God is a powerful testimony. These men stand against sexualizing other men while sacrificially loving their wives and families.
-Lastly, I’ve formed a significant friendship for me with a family here in VA. I’m grateful for the way this couple consistently invites me into their family, to know their children, and to be involved in the day-to-day with them. I may or may not have a family of my own. But this is a picture of the Church as it’s meant to be and that encourages me.
I know that this probably isn’t the end of my story but I’ve definitely learned a lot along the way. And whatever comes my way in the future(whether I remain single for the rest of my life or things change to where I do desire marriage and a wife), I must always keep my mind set on marrying the Lamb and live for that glorious Day.